You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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