Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
