I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
