I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
