i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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