i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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