i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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