Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
