His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
