i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
