So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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