i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
