best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
