For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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