Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
