drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
nutella sex= disaster
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
