Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
