She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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