I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
