just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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