Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
