the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
