Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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