i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
