I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
