I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
