I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i love accidental penises.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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