I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
