I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
