i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
