I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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