My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
