who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
