Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
