My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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