this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
