you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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