I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
