Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
