he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
