I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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