there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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