Where did you get a picture of my penis
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
