why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
