i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
