If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
