I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
