I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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