Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
