i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
