id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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